This game was so intricate, so long so EPIC, that some of it has been lost in the mists of time found after a crazy inventor managed to time travel over the Intertubes. Nonetheless the management feels that what remains should be catalogued for future generations.

The Best - no?

Arrogant Dutch Speedskaters

A giant hairdryer

A vacuum

[recovered]

- Nature (abhors a vacuum)

Read the rest of this rubbish »

The Beating Game- what the fuck is that again? Amsterdam, 10th March 2007

*denotes trump

That pile of shit at the side of the road

PE’s front tire
Broken glass
dustpan and brush
pool of baby sick
a good mother
a kick in the cunt
medieval iron underpants
diahorriea
immodium
shut chemist
24hr tesco
German labour laws
Maggie Thatcher (hired by German government)
cabinet revolt
head of revolt found dead with orange and anal dildo
injunction banning publication
underground newspaper
undercover police operation
Arnie
Jack Bauer
ratings crash
free hardcore porn *
the real thing
the wrong thing
a stern headmistress
a mischievious scallywag
asbo
fake id
biometric testing
zero crime
intense poverty
live aid
stringing up Bob Geldof by balls
pair of scissors
rock
paper
WWII flame thrower
helicopter gunship
no atmosphere
terra forming
catholicism
discovery of paedophile ring
bestiality
no animals
no life on earth
alien invasion
bacteria
anti-biotics
evolution
Jewish doctrine
3rd Reich
Churchill
Privelege
Marxism
Golf *
Windy day
wind breaker
tidal wave
Atlantis
Captain Nemo episode
power cut
candle
thumb and forefinger
full compliment of digits
triads
mafia
a good wedding
single life
getting laid
cup of tea *
cup of tea and a sit down

like the trump it beats, only better...

nuclear war *
nnnnnnnnnnn
a good shit
dirty Turkish toilet
holding it in
prunes
a big fat fucking boot
wet socks
nice roasting fire
big pile of damp grass
herd of cows
McDonalds
libel (McLibel?)
a good lawyer
Government legislation banning lawyers *
fleet of Russian Migs *
tesla coil
thick leather gloves
animal rights protesters
angry farmers
Robert Mugabe

Trumped !

Old age *
cryogenic freezing
global warming
unexpected ice age
moving south
wet southern poofters
a damn good whacking
cushion
feng shui
a good spliff *
no lighter gas
PE’s endless supply
no demand
product placement
cynicism
Sweedish porn stars *
impotence
introveinous injection of Viagra
gene therapy
bad mathematician
cystic fybrosis
a really good wheelchair
police stinger
meteor attack (moderate) *
the force
a good blaster at your side
invulnerability
kryptonite
no periodic table
extra physics homework
particularly influential friend of pope *
the rise of Islam
multi-culturalism
the BNP
A BIG PILE OF SHIT AT THE SIDE OF THE ROAD

Trotters u Beogradu! Autor Goldfinger.

A Reliant Regal, three wheeler van. What more can you say? This time next year, we’ll be millionaires.

Passenger seats were listed as an optional extra on this 700cc vehicle. I don’t think they were sold in yellow back in the day (late sixties, when Rock ‘n Roll was still a young whippersnapper) because most adverts were still in black and white.

Driving one of these today will probably cause people to stop you and congratulate you on your fine taste. They have character and babe magnet potential, and you can even tip them over for style points if you corner hard. Add a bit of bling and a mattress in the back, you’ll be requiring a hefty supply of Viagra® mark my words.

more clubs than thumbs...

How many times have you turned the television on to settle down to watch a game and LO AND BLOODY BEHOLD Dick Advoccat is there on the touchline coaching one of the teams?

After once again seeing Advocaat arms-foldedand-brooding on the touchline, Lobotoblog.com decided to commission a special investigation.

The numbers are mind-boggling.

Journeyman (some would say Charlatan?) Advocaat, after an unillustrious career in the Dutch lower leagues, has managed a staggering 1,432 football clubs. Thats an average of 1 club every 27 days.  He has managed in 8 continents. He has managed in a combined total of 53 professional leagues. He has won no less than 243 trophies ( including the much maligned and all-too-often forgotten Southern Freisland Union Sunday Morning Kickabaat Challenge Kuup).

Below is a list of some of the clubs he has coached. Can readers help us fill  in some of the gaps?

Being stuck in a Wicker Man
being stuck inside Britt Ekland

The Man with the Golden Penis
The woman with the Mercury vagina
living in the core of the sun
A properly made Gin and Tonic [lobotoblog comment : the referee let this one go as he quite simply had no time to react...]
butter fingers
Super adhesive goalie gloves
Berlin to Frankfurt Express [ouch!]
massive government investment in psychotherapy treatment for professional footballers, esp goalkeepers
crybaby americans
cheese eating surrender monkeys
Indiana jones’ host at the temple of doom [but not This chap]
A Cup of Tea
The milkman being involved in an horrific 40-car pile-up just outside your house
Princess Diana [see this video as to why]
MI6-trained greenfly hit squad
Spiderman
John Goodman
Heart coronary
This chap
the government minister about to announce legislation banning déjà vu from happening all over again getting eaten by a couple of tramps and his remains sold to a kebab van*
Worldwide chilli sauce shortage
Public use of police grade pepper spray on hot dogs
Gas Mask
The gas mask Bra
keeley hazell going bra shopping
Elena Marinova [oh my god]
Gravity
The Event Horizon
virtual particle pairs
engi mengi penga!*
Northern Leamington Spa
Asteroid Strike*
Massive underground bunker system
Walther PPK 7.65 mm pistol and some cyanide.
a full set of testicules
Football blatted at top speed

Titanium Cod Piece
Overfishing in the North Atlantic
hippy community on an island paradise [lobotoblog comment : what a gift of a set-up!]
discovering that said hippy community is in fact a bunch of pagans
Being stuck in a wicker man

Expert post-match analysis
A very strange game this one, and one that deserves some sort of analysis. All started very slowly with not much early excitement for the punters inside the packed stadium. We can see the usual blah blah blah predictable moves in the game opening (eg Britt Ekland) as the players were warming up and getting use to the somewhat slow pace.

All this was completely blown on its head when SS came in with an ingenious “Berlin to Frankfurt Express”. Shouts of “topicality foul!” or “too gruesome even for BG!” from other players were waved down by the referee. The crowd went wild. SS had brought the game right back to where it needed to be and from this point on it was all sweat, passion and pure BG technique to see who would be in the position to take the end game.

A possible over-use of trumps was ignored [or forgotten?] as now the game was alive and throbbing. An extremely rare use of the Double-return Heinrich Pullover was employed to great effect by SW [indeed, it had the entire stretford lane end stand reaching for their crotches] and then just a few turns later it was all over.
All in all a classic!

Venue: Telestadia

Participants: PE,SW,FL,JD,SS

Honorary Trump: Jennifer Love Hewitt [for obvious reasons]

hij heef een traptechniek à la bergkamp [lobotoblog comment : not an easy one to start with]
southern puftas
spiking a shandy
lead-lined stomach
colic
a good hammock drifting slowly to and fro in a gentle summer breeze
Hurricane Katrina
chinese weather manipulation missiles
strike by workers transporting rocket fuel [about the country]…
Margaret “God Bless her” Thatcher
an invasion of crows pecking out her corpse
bazooka
Israeli Coastguard
Ghost Whispering Cleavage * [lobotoblog comment : click here to see why this threw the game wide open and had all players reeling]
scopaesthesia
Naegleria fowleri
Fear of flying
Naively hitching a lift from Scaramanga [lobotoblog comment : one of the best ever moves in the history of the game?]

the Director’s Cut
packet of Silk Cut
A group of 12 year school kids behind the bike sheds
National legislation* requiring PhD level qualifications before you can play “doctor”
child geniuses with freaky big foreheads
A REALLY violent school bully
A sadistic headmaster and caning still legal
A copy of the yellow pages
scented toilet paper
industrial bidet
Shards of glass in the water [lobotoblog comment : oooooooh that's gotta hurt...]
anakin’s aneurysm
vodka in the eyeballs
Nuclear holocaust*
breakdown in causality physics

the AA
### GAME ABANDONED ###

photo credits

Ttttttttteeeedddddddddddddd Hankeyyyyyyyy!

Ted Hankey!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen: Ted Hankey!

Photo credit : PA Wire Sports Photos

Venue: Western Europe (via the wide wib wob)
Participants E,SW,FL,JD,SS
Honorary Trump: Bob Geldof

A packet of Pacer Mints
Dodgy dentures:

A French Kiss
Henry V
A shortage of Yew [lobotoblog comment : simply ingenious - and here is why]
Industrial yield management* (of yew plantations…)
Agricultural workers strike
A barn dance
Spiked cider
Alcoholics Anonymous
Fight Club
Risperidone (antipsychotic)
A puncture on the way to the chemists
A stunt driver
The Stig
Government Legislation Banning Car TV Programmes*
Military coup*
Chuck Norris
Shoe laces tied together
The One Inch Punch :

No imperial measurement system
A committee of women to define distance perception on an emotional basis
Read the rest of this rubbish »

Venue : unknown
Participants : unknown
*denotes trump

What the bleeding ell is this all about?

The Game That Never Got Played
This Game
The Bong
Bongmeister Billy McBaggy-Bong, 3rd Earl of Bong
Abolition of hereditary peerage
Richard Whiteley being Prime Minister
You therefore getting Richard’s old job on Countdown
Getting Peter Snow’s job
Monica Belucci being your housemaid*
Homelessness
Paul Young*
Zuccero
Pork Pies
Mike Gatting
Runjymimara
Bollocks*
Industrial sander [lobotoblog comment : oooooh, that's gotta hurt]
Balls of steel
Great balls of fire!
Inflammable piano
Liquid Nitrogen
Messing about with uranium in the lab
LSD
The Game That Never Got Played

Expert post-match analysis
This match deserves expert analysis because it was so unique. Never has a beating game been so short and so full of energy. If you paid money to watch this you would have been disappointed but if you were there playing it you would have loved every second of it. The reasons for this are obvious:  all players using their trumps very early on to force an early endgame; “Pork Pies” being played at just the right moment in the flux of the game; and a very rare use of the “double inverse cruickshank manoeuvre” by one of the players – can you guess where that was?

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