Arrogant Dutch Speedskaters – Epic Beating game
This game was so intricate, so long so EPIC, that some of it has been lost in the mists of time found after a crazy inventor managed to time travel over the Intertubes. Nonetheless the management feels that what remains should be catalogued for future generations.
Arrogant Dutch Speedskaters
A giant hairdryer
- Nature (abhors a vacuum)
- [Female] Dutch arses chewing the cud on Amsterdam bikes*
- The Dutch female bike infantry being clobbered during the battle of the Bulge
- The battle of the bulge being in Shannon’s pants..
- Picture of Cutchdunt Naked
- Being the photographer
- Getting on the wrong side of a Chinese triad gang and having your index finger cut off
- Overcoming the handicap to win the touch typing world championships
- Forgetting to wear your secret pouch of girlfriend urine for the standard routine “it’ll never happen in our sport” drug test afterwards.
- Asteroid strike (on the test lab)
- A very big tennis racket
- Rapturous applause from the Kirkstall Lane End*
- a stampede of sandworms
- Barbara woodhouse’s admonishing “SIT-TE”
- A death Rottweiler with a penchant for plaid.
- A chav with a Capri walking said dog by tying the lead to his car door, forgetting the dog the instant he gets challenged to a burn by his chavvy mate in his XR3i
- a huge fuck-off massive spoiler and go faster stripes [on your Peugeot 205 1.9 GTI ] http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3004/2676087939_6f9f338355_o.jpg
- getting mistaken for a ‘BEEM’… err… sorry, I was just clearing my throat.
- Being rescued by one of these being in a skip next to said Peugeot: http://gadgets.boingboing.net/gimages/BMW-ZX-6-Concept-2-lg.jpg0
- A lack of substance!
- Substantial tracts of land
- Soviet agricultural policy
- A pincer movement of Mongol hordes and Panzer tanks leading to a scorched earth policy of retreat. …
An enormous amount of shit…
An army of stable boys, each armed with a can of red bull and a large shovel!
A buxom jodphur wearing lass getting rather hot in the stables screaming out for a stable lad
Mysterious and extremely contagious disease which wipes out entire world horse population (within 3 weeks)
Repeated public horse floggings
You can’t flog a dead horse – Was a comment not a go!
Necrophiliatic bestiality – Played out of turn as above declared not a go!
A lack of interest as pop idol is on the other channel
Strictly Come Dancing – Because let’s face it, watching scantily clad Eastern European ladies with firm thighs and peroxide blonde hair grinding away on a dance floor is significantly better than listening to adolescent single mothers from Birmingham telling us how hard their life has been because they contracted herpes from their father at a young age which has ruined their life ambition to become a high class prostitute, and then cry their eyes out when they’re given the reality check that their singing is in fact crap – and so it’s
back to stacking shelves and sucking their Chav mates’ cocks for cigarettes on Monday…….
The Crazy Horse (if you’re going to watch birds, they might as well have their tits out)
IRA bomb under the stage (style without warning circa 1974…)
The Iron Lady
One way plane ticket to Zurich
Your passport being the one that was cloned by the Mossad
(bribing the frontier police) because you have a friend who is particularly influential with the pope *
flyposting an image of the pope sexually abusing a young choir boy all over the Sistine chapel
Being mistaken for “some sort of avantgarde artist” who’s work is “obviously” a metaphor for the apathetic redundancy inherent in religious integration of the Jung.
Picture of JLH – image Lost
Dr. Barbara Heartwell
Henry the mild mannered Janitor?
Being cock-blocked by Bob.
Babyfoot player strike [caused by scandals in locker rooms with stories about Bob's Mum, knob-blocking and generally extreme stories about incest, rape and being cuckolded by the team captain]
An all-weekend sesh in the beergarden of the Prince Albert [including the miserable landlady...]
Staggering out of there on Monday morning and onto the Dogstar for a pool sesh with Kirk Stevens, Cliff Thorburn and Bill Werbeniuk
Being interrupted half way by discovering a banknote in your pocket that you didn’t know was there, then a passerby noticing your joy and offering to use said windfall to buy weed from a friend of his and then his ACTUALLY COMING THROUGH on said promise (rather than just running off with your dough).
Getting home and finding out it is in fact a bag of rosemary……
Monica Belluci dropping in to do the housework* and falling in love with you because of that bag of rosemary. Love grows where my rosemary goes.
A brand new Dyson
a raving hoard of carpet munchers
Brazilian ( or more accurately hollywood) Parquet flooring
Hypertrichosis of the fanny…..
Sweet Fanny Adams
a bathtub full of rusty doorknockers*
Being locked out ( of the bathroom)
Succumbing to cabin fever in the presence of evil…….!
A bunch of swedish porn stars * (The Shawshank Redemption was rejected)
Basically not being arsed
dredging yourself out of your depressive slumbers into the kitchen for 2 and a half bowls of crunchy nut cornflakes, a bacon and egg white bread sandwich, a mug of coffee and a wank.
a cheeky lil welcome-to-the-day fella rolled by a housemate while he was waiting for you to wake up.
A cheeky lil welcome to-the-day fella and a….. Cup of Tea*!
England winning the World Cup
In the tunnel just before coming out onto the pitch to play the final against Spain Wayne Rooney slipping on a bottle of aftershave and thus starting a Monty-Pythonesque series of mishaps : John Terry knocked by the falling Rooney and into a south african security guard who has forgotten to remove the safety catch on his Uzi sub-machine gun : Ashley Cole who is killed outright (along with 2 other team-mates) by the hail of bullets and knocks headfirst into Rio Ferdinand who is turn is mauled by 2 rabid alsation guard dogs that are panicked by the situation and noise, Gareth Barry dodges the bullets but dives into Stephan Gerrard who in turn swivels round only to loose his footing on the aforementioned puddle of aftershave and fall head-first onto a corner flag pole that is hanging around and is thus impailed instantly through the head. This carries on in a similar fashion until the last man standing Frank Lampard (who else?) gets flung (probably knocked by the falling goalkeeper who by now has his intestines lying in front of him on the floor) into a bunch of cheerleaders and is thus asphyxiated between their various cleverages.
the RAW (last minute winner in a 12-11 thriller, with Martyn Slocombe – English for the day – vomiting in the face of Casillas as Byng hits the sweetest volley you’re ever likely to see off the back of the ref’s head into the unguarded net)
The opposition team being in charge of posting the score. (And claiming it was 11-11? Was that right?)
a group of East End gangster book makers betting on a home victory would soon convince them otherwise.
Rejected (Laziness): (locking him up with a) Starved male lion
Rejected (wouldn’t beat): trying to get rid of Dick Advocaat’s rheumy eye syndrome with a sander (and it obviously going hideously wrong)
celebrating outhinking chuck with a night of dutch fondue loaded with edam, gouda, and lashings of kirsch and topped off with countless pure blunts followed by a stumble home by the side of a particularly deep canal.
It being cold enough to freeze the canal solid!
A fleet of peddalos, piloted by stoned Englishmen, continuously circulating the amsterdam canal system to prevent freezing!
An entire fleet of Beamers driven by topless models
Cheap North Korean BMW copies flooding the local market.
Hans Blix finding a few WMDs in the car factories and sending an angry letter of complaint
The royal mail
Rejected: Snow and ice (I’m going for a long ball punt here)
Rejected: (out of turn) – (Belgian) government legislation* banning the covering of your face.
a ginger genocide
Politically correct do-gooder interference taking up the cause of the oppressed
An army of T-1000s
Hand-held pocket thermo-nuclear generators running on U 238 freely available over your local cornershop counter
being in a group of 3 or more schoolchildren
an oversized raincoat (to stand on each others shoulders in)
Sold by Trotter Independent Traders.
Catherine Zeta Jones
Rejected (2nd usage): Jennifer Love Hewitt*
A sadistic drug and booze-fuelled Michael Douglas
Thor’s throbbing thumb
Thor’s well lubed ring…….
A voodoo witchdoctor and his cousin from India – Mola Ram – with various torture devices, fetish dolls and a lava pit
playing an away match against Vanuatu on a deserted Pacific island, and running into a patch of quicksand and rupturing the knee, groin, ankle, wrist and elbow ligaments.
A classic forward defensive ( as epitomized ( and dare I say it enobled ) by sir Geoff*
Sabina Park – 1998
Watching a match with Norm & Kev, with drinks for every fall of wicket, four, and for the passing of each milestone (usually half century either by a batsman or on the scoreboard) turning into a sup for every extra, then every run scored, and so on until there’s no beer left. Quantities of beer which, of course, can never – under any circumstances – be overdone.
3 spare kidneys courtesy of Wan Cho Wappatton, cousin of Mola Ram
Marvelling at their beauty, Gunter Von Hagens with a bottle of chloroform and a sharp disecting scalpel.
Having a built in alarm system whereby your nore flashes red and a buzzer sounds whenever an organ is removed Plastic scalpel
Having a very sharp pair of ice skate blades handy
Torvill and Dean*
a bunch of pissed up students etching a ruddy great big cock out there on the ice
Not – if the students are PARAPLEGIC!
Elephants pissing and shitting on set
Being absolutely off your tits*
A tactical chunder
A bottle of of your finest tequila young man!
Discovering a rather large plantation of fine skunk at the back of your garden
PE: Hailstorm of biblical proportions
FL: spiking the clouds with liquid lsd
JD: Pilots getting high on their supply
SS: Auto pilot
SW: Everyone simultaneously switching on portable electronic devices
Rejected?: “Everyone looking fwd to a hot day’s play Franco has a hangover I would imagine. Havvvvvvvvvvvvvvve Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttttttttt”
PE: Cockpit made of lead 8 ft thick
FL: A squadron of migs*
The Swedish fallout shelter closest to the porn production warehouse
Pockets of carbon monoxide all over the shop
wey-hey-heying all those huuuuuuge breasts in the guise of CPR.
“Booby” trapped silicone implants
Getting your nob stuck on one of the paper clips on Liz’s famous dress
giving that saucy english lass a good nobbing, not her dress
Being forced into using the Clinton defence
Being struck by a lightning bolt sent by God.
Being Nicolas Tesla
“zzzzzzzzuuuuupppppppppppppppp”"tttttttsssscchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”"aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!! ” (getting grilled alive by a tesla coil)
if Tesla’s mum had used a contraceptive coil when she was nobbin Tesla snr, none of this would ever have happened….
It being an ACME product*
ACME being bought by a German manufacturer
Installing a Joy Division just outside the factory, all with various STDs
buying 200 feet of nylon rope, tieing one end round your neck, the other round a lamppost, getting in your car and flooring the accelerator
Being out of petrol
Being parked on a hill!
Breakdown in the laws of physics*
Jim’ll Fix It
- wd40 (fixes more, in my book)
- Not without the little straw!!!
- if you didn’t have a straw, all you would need is a “used sock”…..
- Someone walking into the room with a camera
- having a really bad st-st-st-st-st-st-st-stut-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-tter
(having a stutter)
A pile of newspapers and a pair of scissors
Bring put under suicide watch!
Ability to walk through walls
Living in a tree
calling the fire brigade
Suddenly finding yourself only able to speak ancient Greek
Your girlfriend being a bigfatGreekbitch with a PhD in Classics from Oxbridge [2 yrs out in Athens], specialising in ancient greek
choking on her minge
Brandy and a match!
The absence of oxygen in the atmosphere
Being whisked away by Ford Prefect
A Joe Satriani solo played on Air Guitar*
(The following entries (marked >) have been edited for language)
>a swear box with the proceeds going to the institute for deaf nymphomaniacs
>Mad Cows Disease
>Government sponsored Concentration Camps for Veggies
>dirty lettuce poisoning.
>an iron constitution
Blow torch bell end!
A nasty accident while preparing crême brulée at a hen night
Doogie Howser MD’s spam head
Lobster thermidore aux crevettes with a mornaise sauce garnished with truffle pate, brandy and a fried egg on top and spam.
Watching a thrilling match of crikkit with Keith Floyd and Norm
Chronic beer shortage
a roots raid (if you were out of beer, crisps, pasta or any such schtudent fare you’d run through Rootes (the flats not the social) at about 4am in the morning after a heavy drinking session in cholo, raiding all the fridges… you usually got a fair amount of loot, if you were lucky you might have got a six pack of chinese beer hidden away by some international student, oblivious to the wiley ways of a pissed up student.)
Nick Griffin as PM
being occupied by Saudi Arabia
The Phantom Playboys*
A short sharp kick in the bollocks*
Castrated at birth!
Having to service smelly heifers for a living because you can’t sing
Getting a shock promotion to the Combine Harvester Team
mowing down one of children of the corn by accident
Being part of the RMT union (with their associated bonus…errr…compensation schemes)
Falklands war veterans having a case at the European court of Justice
(giving them all) the Victoria Cross
finishing your days in a forgotten corner of a manky old people’s home in Dudley
Dramatic and sudden fall in sales at the Daily Planet, leading to massive cut-backs across the group – especially in the editorial teams – and the inevitable “sorry we have to let you go Lois” conversation with Big Sam McGeharty
going on an embroidery course and making a range of 80s style denimwear for gay truckers
Strap ons ……..
A rather embarassing conversation with the medical staff at A&E
Blind ambulance driver
deaf ambulance driver’s assistant
Speedskating every day for 3 hours… to keep dem buttocks nice n firm
the dutch women’s speedskating team coach acting like Raymond Domenech
Arrogant Dutch Women
Arrogant Dutch Pimps
an entertaining game of ‘beamer’ in the gulag
A more “assertive” approach to political dissidents (the gulag’s too good for ‘em)
The North Korean Government!
Being stuck in the jungle in ‘Nam, thinking the war is still on.
hiding your stash from vietnamese customs officials in the meat compartment of your briefcase – the dogs won’t smell a thing! well they’ll probably go a bit loopy, but they won’t sniff out your stash!
your wife doing the packing…1 idiots have decided to speak their useless minds
Your wife being a stripper….
Being engaged to a stripper but only finding out once you’re married (or worse)
Having a flappy arse*
playing ‘find the soap’ in a shower with your 40-stone cellmate called ‘Bubba’
shower designers from Auschwitz
No. 6 from BattleStar Galactica
The metal bikini
N&P (Finest National and Provincials)*
a proper east-end style funeral (attended by the thousands of grieving admirers), with the breasts depicted as firm and huge in their heyday by a massive floral arrangement on top of the hearse.
A charge of police horses
A length of razor sharp steel wire, stretched across their path at neck height….!
Getting an absolute bargain on severed horse’s heads and landing a job with the local don
Johnny Metgod screamer taking out any feuding dutchmen
French strike action*
Texan Border Control
Arrogant Dutch speedskatersNovember 26th, 2010beat this
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Article updated after a rift in the internet-time continuum added bits in.